What Great Things Happen to Me

Wow. I feel pretty darn crappy.
To explain some things first. Well since I'm graduating I thought I would write letters to the people who have had an impact on my life. I wrote 17 letters including one to my friend and his mom. I had asked my friend to just drop by for a sec so that I could give him his letter, his mom's letter and one of my graduation announcements, also for his mom. I waited all lunch for him to come. I was just asking for a couple seconds. About half way through lunch he walked past me with his stupid girlfriend. Ok I thought, maybe he would come on a few minutes without her. But the lunch period passed and he never showed up. I went to my next class, orchestra. I was in the band closet when my friend Cenzie walked in there with me. I think she could tell something was wrong. She asked me and I just burst into tears. This is odd for me, I don't cry at school, ever. I have gotten so good at keeping that all inside until I can at least get to my car. Cenzie just held me. My friends Kelsey, Sydnie and Stephen all hugged me too. They all asked me if I wanted to talk about it and I said no. But they were ok with it. They just hugged me and let me cry. They are such good friends. I guess it finally hit me that maybe my friend really doesn't care anymore... Maybe he really doesn't want to be my friend. That pressure just made me burst.

I'm Just Not Happy

Guys...
I'm sad. Thats it. I graduate on Friday without one of my best friend. I'm not sure i'll ever get my friend back again. I'm trying so hard to be ok.... but i'm just sad. I feel like i've lost a big part of my life and i'm never going to get it back.

I promise... This is my last post for today.

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

...Friendship...

Sometimes I have a really hard time with sharing what I really feel. I'm good as telling you what I THINK. But what I feel is different. So here are other people's words... with my comments.

"A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you."
— Elbert Hubbard
...thats as simple as it gets!

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
— Henri J.M. Nouwen (The Road to Daybreak: A Spiritual Journey)
...Its the people who are there for you when you need them... the ones who care

"I think if I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff."
— Jon Katz

...I love this. BE THERE! Just be there...

 

"The friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away."
— Barbara Kingsolver

... It doesnt matter what you say. It really doesnt. Its the fact that you were there holding their hand. You didnt just stay away because you dont know what to say anymore.

 

"A faithful friend is a strong defense;
And he that hath found him hath found a treasure."
— Louisa May Alcott

...appreciate your friends.

 

"Every friendship travels at sometime through the black valley of despair. This tests every aspect of your affection. You lose the attraction and the magic. Your sense of each other darkens and your presence is sore. If you can come through this time, it can purify with your love, and falsity and need will fall away. It will bring you onto new ground where affection can grow again."
— John O'Donohue (Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom)

... This is so true. Sometimes you go through so much. But its like burning a forest. The trees grow back in furtile soil.

 

"We spent all those years talking about stuff we had in common, and the last few months noticing all the ways we were different and it broke both of our hearts."
— Nick Hornby

...oh... how true...

 

"When you choose your friends, don't be short-changed by choosing personality over character."
— W. Somerset Maugham

...and this is why i'm not friends with my friend's girlfriend. ya.

 

"If our friendship depends on things like space and time, then when we finally overcome space and time, we've destroyed our own brotherhood! But overcome space, and all we have left is Here. Overcome time, and all we have left is Now. And in the middle of Here and Now, don't you think that we might see each other once or twice?"
— Richard Bach (Jonathan Livingston Seagull)

... Just read it again. I know its confusing. But it kind of makes sence.

 

"Here's champagne for our real friends, and real pain for our sham friends."
— Mardy Grothe

... Oh man. That made me laugh. So Punny.

 

"A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely."
— Pam Brown

...well... i've tried that.

 

Happy 50th Post Day. Sorry its NOT a happy subject.

Maybe I just need to give up on my friend. Maybe thats just how our friendship is going to end... In a blaze of betrayal and hurt. Great right.

A REAL friend doesnt change because he has a girlfriend. My friend Stephen, he has a girlfriend, but that didnt keep him from being kind hearted and caring about me, his FRIEND. A real friend doesnt ignore you. A real friend says hi to you and waves to you in the hall. A real friend acknowledges that you're there. A real friend is kind and gives you a hug when you have a frown on your face. A real friend treats you with RESPECT; they dont say rude things to you, or put you down, or say mean things about you.

Maybe my dumnut friend should read this article... unless he's decided to not be a faithful member anymore... https://lds.org/youth/article/unsteady-dating?lang=eng&query=friendship

My favorite quotes from this article!
 “When you are young, do not get involved in steady dating. When you reach an age where you think of marriage, then is the time to become so involved. But you boys who are in high school don’t need this, and neither do the girls” -President Gordon B. Hinckley (the coolest man EVER)

I like the HIGH SCHOOL part.

After reading this little article, i've realized how disappointed I am in my friend. I always respected him for loving the gospel and trying his hardest to live it to the fullest. I AM SO DISAPPOINTED! I feel so sad for him, that he is going to waste so much time and energy and potential . I USE to have so much respect for him he said he wouldnt steady date til after his mission. I thought he understood that steady dating takes away from so much of a teenage life. It ruins friendships and makes it so you dont make new ones. You miss out on so many opprotunities. You miss out on time with your other friends.... friends like me.....

I wish I could tell my friend all this. But he'd never listen. I just have to let him live his life right? Even if its making me die a little more everyday. I wish he'd go back to who he was. The real him. Not this fake nasty boy toy.

I'm about this (_) close to just giving up on him for good this time...

*Post Script*

Sorry i'm being so complain-y!

Another Freaking Rainy Day

What am I suppose to do when a friend I really care about is acting stupid and making retarded mistakes and acting like a jerk and changing because he's got a girlfriend? I just dont see what I'm suppose to do... I've just been trying to wade it out and let him live his life. The thing about that is that its REALLY HURTING ME! I'm just so frustrated.

I have a good buddy named Stephen. He's this sweet kid who is kinda nerdy and does really well in school and is really strong in the gospel. I was sitting by myself and he was sitting by himself so I thought i'd go over and say hi. We started talking about what was going on in our lives. His parents have been really hard on him. (I dont get that because he is just an AMAZING kid) Well he asked me how I felt about this whole situation with my friend. I explained that I really wasnt ok. That girl was a "toxic" friend and made me feel horrible about myself but that I was trying to let him make his own decisions and respect him even though it is completely killing me. I'm TRYING to act gown up.... Then he looked right into my eyes and said "You really do love him dont you?" I tried to explain that I dont love him love him. He said that it didnt matter and asked again "You really do love him dont you? You really do care about him." Man, I just about lost it. I said ya and Stephen squeezed my hand for just a second and told me that it was going to be ok.
I felt like I was being completely seen through. No one has made me feel like they understood like that before. My friend has tried but he doesnt get it. I write him letters because I dont know how to talk to him anymore but he ignores them. I ask him if he reads them and he says ya but he never says anything back. All I want is him to do what Stephen did. Understand and tell me it'll be ok. But will he? No, he "doesnt know what to say to me anymore."

I really dont know what to do.... and honestly its in the Lord's hands now...