If you dont care about my religious beliefs, stop reading.... now.

Wow guys, its been a while. Things have been really difficult and I didnt want to just post things because I was upset. I believe it is time to explain whats been going on. Hopefully then I can move on.

About a month ago my dear friend decided to tell me that he is going out with this girl. I use to be friends with this girl.... but she had been a horrible friend to me. She made me feel bad about myself, she did things just to piss me off; it felt like she was just trying to show everyone the worst of me. About a year and a half ago I decided that I didnt need a friend like that. Friends shouldnt degrade or make you feel like you are worth less than them and she did all of that. She was not a nice girl to anyone really. She liked to control everyone and everything. I separated myself from her because I knew I deserved better friends than that. Since then I have tried to "be friends" because thats what all of my friends wanted and I didnt want to make them uncomfortable or anything.

Now, can you imagine how dismayed I was to find out one of my dearest friends was going to go out with HER. My friend, I love him to death and I know I havent been the best friend to him because I always knew he'd be around... I guess it was kind of like how you are with your family; you love them more than anyone but you treat them the worse. (I really wish I would have treated him better but anyway...) I didnt want my friend to be with a girl like her. I'd seen what she has done with her other boyfriends and I didnt want my friend to have his heart broken. He has such a tender heart and he just wants to please everyone and I knew she would use that to her advantage...

I was not happy about him being in a relationship with her, I am not going to lie. And I let him know it. I never really said anything to anyone else unless they asked and I never said a thing on Facebook. Even though I was so upset that a person I care so much about so much decided to commit themself to a person that has hurt me so deeply, I didnt want to cause a scene.... well a scene was still caused... but not by me.

Girls who I thought were my friends decided to tell everyone what a horrible person I was because I didnt approve of this relationship. They said horrible things. They told everyone that I was not intitled to an opinion. They said mean, hateful, and hurtful things. They said that I was telling everyone that THEY werent intitled to an opinion. I didnt get it. I never said such a thing and to tell you the truth, I was really hurt. I have now lost a good majority of my friends, I have lost respect for my dear friend (who always said he'd never steady date before his mission and I deeply respected him for that.) I have lost confidence in myself... and in God.

Here comes the religion part. I've been through some crappy things, but I have never thought that God didnt love me. Over the last month the thought that he did love me at all has consumed me. All I could think is "if God loved me why would He make me go through this? Why would He let my friend love someone who was so hateful and bitter? Someone who was sabataging my friendships like that? Why would He let all these people that I care about hate me? Why was He taking everything I cared about away from me?" Never in my life had I had these thoughts for real. Never had I believed that God didnt love me. My friend once had been such a source of strength and hope for me. And I felt like her taking him away from me, I was having all of that hope and strength taken away from me. I still feel that way, I still feel abandoned by him.

But, today is Easter. And we had a lesson on the resurection and having faith. Some of the Young Women's leaders shared some scriptures in Easter eggs that went through the story of Christ's crucifixtion and resurrestion....Some of my leaders shared some things. They told us how Jesus was hated and all for no reason. She told us how we can be hated by our friends and how it hurts SO MUCH. So I thought, if He can do that, I can too. They talked about how Jesus knows how we feel in every situation. He's already been through it all. He knows how betrayed I feel, how sad I feel, how hurt I am, how worried I feel. I've always known this... but it seems like today it just sunk in.
In the middle of our lesson we sang this song.

I know that my Redeemer lives;
When comfort this sweet sentence gives!
He lives, He lives, who once was dead;
He lives, my ever living head.
He lives to bless me with His love,
He lives to plead for me above,
He lives my hungry soul to feed,
He lives to bless in time of need.
 He lives to grant me rich supply,
He lives to guide me with His eye,
He lives to comfort me when faint,
He lives to hear my soul’s complaint.
He lives to silence all my fears,
He lives to wipe away my tears,
He lives to calm my troubled heart,
He lives, all blessings to impart.
 He lives, my kind, wise, heav’nly friend,
He lives, and loves me to the end,
He lives, and while He lives I’ll sing,
He lives, my Prophet, Priest and King.
He lives, and grants me daily breath,
He lives, and I shall conquer death,
He lives, my mansion to prepare,
He lives, to bring me safely there.

He lives, all glory to His name!
He lives, my Jesus, still the same;
O the sweet joy this sentence gives,
“I know that my Redeemer lives.”
He lives, all glory to His name!
He lives, my Jesus, still the same;
O the sweet joy this sentence gives,
“I know that my Redeemer lives!”

Never has this song had such an impact on me. Its like it was screaming to me. I realized that that is how I need to feel and that deep down I really do feel that way. I could never thank God enough for sending the Savior. On top of that, I cant thank the Savoir for dying for all my sins and suffering so he can know how I feel.

I do feel better in a way. My situation hasnt changed and I'm still really hurt. But I finally feel some hope. God does know whats going on. He knows what He's doing. He's got a plan. I just gotta have faith that things are going to turn out. I still dont know what to do about my friend going out with that girl that I dislike very much.... but I guess its in God's hands too.

Thank you all of you who read this, thank you to my Young Women's leaders. I love you guys so much. You guys dont have to keep reading unless you really want to. But its for my friend.


To My Dear Friend (You know who you are kid),
I'm sorry I havent been the best friend to you. You can never know how much I regret how I've treated you. I love you kid and I really want you to be happy and I want whats best for you. I know you deserve better than her. It kills me to see the look on your face with her. It's not a happy face and if your with someone it should be. I hate to see how she pushes you around.... its like she owns you. I know you deserve better, but its your decition and I will respect whatever you do. But I need you to know how I feel.
You have the sweetest and most tender heart and soul. You are such a great kid and I could never thank you enough for always putting up with my crap and for being there for me now. You are a great kid and I'm glad that you've found your faith, you will be a great missionary... in less than a year. (crazy and trying to wrap head around that.) I wish there were words enough to tell you how proud I am of you, and how happy I am to be your friend now, and how much I care about you. I hope we can be friends forever, my friend. I wish I could tell you exactly what i'm feeling but I think you know me well enough that you can imagin.
Love ya kid,
Ms. Meinzen